remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
