hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
