Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
