I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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