Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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