just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
