there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
