My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
