so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
