Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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