So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
