Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
