I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Randomize
