Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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