the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
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Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
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Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
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