I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
