I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
