I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
