I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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