a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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