I hate all girls vehemently.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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