Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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