i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
