I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Randomize
