I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
