just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
