Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
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Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
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The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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