how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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