I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
