I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
