We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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