I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
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