AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
