I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
