She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
