Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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