apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
