oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
