Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
