I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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