i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Randomize
