if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Can I color on your dick again?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
