ya dads aren't the best wingmen
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
