So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
