if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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