All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I had to cum in my sink.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
