I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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