apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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