This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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