Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Randomize
