OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
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