Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
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He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize