just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
