I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
