just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
If I die, sorry about rent.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
