Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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