one two three fourrrrnication!
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
